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new year ptttttttt!   
11:10pm 01/01/2008
 
mood: crazy
well as 2007 has ended, so it almost ended me. by my own fault of course as with most of my life.
so I now dub 2008 as my death or immunity year. this one will either kill me or make me whole. although it doesn't really mater to me which one, all can be assured that 2007 was my self destruction year I'm going to at least try to make 2008 more of a year of therapy.		  
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death card   
02:57pm 01/08/2007
 
mood: contemplative
change, the only thing one can rely on. there seems to be a storm on the horizon and one must weather it to go on. rambling I know but a move is soon in order. the band I'm in is on hold but the drummer is starting an industrial project that I'll be helping with. all for now		  
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still here   
02:17am 29/06/2006
 
mood: disappointed
music: I hate to say it but whitesnake here I go again
my life is repetitive but ever changing, I don't know where i'm going in life but I know where I want to go if that makes any scince. I think the path is clear but I still lack the motivation to do it. or may bee I just don't want it enough yet but what ever.		  
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rambles and stuff   
01:06pm 16/01/2005
 
mood: amused
music: schizophrenia -sonic youth
well I was told I should really update more often so here goes. my birthday was a drunken wonderment. kat and dan took me to eat at the indian place (yum) than we went to the club were I got very, very drunk. I think It was the fifth long Island ice tea or maybe the three screwdrivers after that. well any way I was far more social than I probably ever have been and more people bought me drinks than Iv'e ever had bought for me before. but since poor kitty was feeling ill but I wanted to stay dan found money for a cab home for me (much thanks) but in the end I seem to remember getting a ride home from some guy who's girl friend hit on me like a year ago but now every thing was fine in that particular drama but I seem to remember it was a brite yellow dog grooming van. well then I went inside and analized the contents of my stomach and than drank lots of water popped a few multi-vitimins (which from my experiance dramaticly lessens the hang over) and then went to sleep. friday I don't think I did much really, at night Dave wanted to drink so we bought some captan morgans and coke and an Irish crean liquor.(mixed together it tastes like a root beer float) saturday sat around untill Dave came home, wentout and got my first tattoo which was long over due. I've been going to gothic club since 1988 and I've been dressing the part since 1992 so it has been becoming more and more of an embarassment that after all these years I still didn't have even one not that it was a prerequisite, I wouldn't have lost my goth card or any thing but as an artist and a very visual person there is nothing as erotic than haveing art penitrate you in so many ways. the tattoo is an ankh, very decorative on my right upper arm. well that's all for now ttfn		  
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11:10pm 14/06/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: detination -the church
I don't know if I've ever felt so alone, all has crumbled and gone I think of the past all the time and no one can ever be there or help with it. melodramatic yes but true because only one who has been through the same situation can appreciate what I'm going through. well sucks to be me.		  
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11:10pm 14/06/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: detination -the church
I don't know if I've ever felt so alone, all has crumbled and gone I think of the past all the time and no one can ever be there or help with it. melodramatic yes but true because onlt one who has been through the same situation can appreciate what I'm going through. well sucks to be me.		  
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11:10pm 14/06/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: detination -the church
I don't know if I've ever felt so along, all has crumbled and gone I think of the past all the time and no one can ever be there or help with it. melodramatic yes but true because onlt one who has been through the same situation can appreciate what I'm going through. well sucks to be me.		  
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the past that will not die   
02:33am 05/05/2004
  people often ask why I cant leave the past behind, well when it follows you it's hard to forget. my parents are visiting and I hate the way it makes me feel and more so it makes the way I become around them. I have spent so long building my life back up from the earth quake that pulled it apart two years ago. I don't know if I can deal with this again. well I guess it could be worse all of them could have come. but now that I have so few pieces left I'de really hate to loose the last of them.  
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01:44pm 15/09/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: the meow mix theme song played really fast
on my quest for wholeness I find the only way to be so is to exept the part of me that are not exeptable. so maybe being fragmented isn't so bad after all. I've alway know the dangers of wishing for things bucause you might just get them. but being a dreamer I cant seem to stop wishing. faced with crystalizetion I realize time passing scares me more than ever before.		  
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if the world fails to fall apart   
03:21pm 09/07/2003
 
mood: strung out
music: isolation- joy division
well I'm seemingly still alive still very crazed but alive. it's funny how stupid life can really be and how good it feels when you look at your life from a different perspective. I was looking at my art reseme the other day and I realized that all though I haven't done shit in years by way of showing my work, I've actually done alot accumulatively. and after rereading my notes on munch's life I've began to realize that if ever I do get my name into the books, this little sabbatical away from showing really won't even faze the student reading about me. I just need to make sure that I come back with a bang. but before any one thinks I'm becoming optimistic life still sucks and were all going to die.....A		  
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failing biology   
04:33am 06/04/2003
 
mood: cold
music: one hundred years - the cure
I spent the last two days in bed and all I can think is did I go to far in my usual extremes. and if I was to die now would it really be a bad time. I do still have one that needs me so I guess it would be a bad time but if there isn't any thing I can do about it than good time or bad it really won't mater.		  
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bunny slippers   
11:11pm 29/03/2003
 
mood: enraged
music: protect me you -sonic youth
I always find it amusing just how I can be in a bad mood for so long with out it never letting up. I was also thinking of a quote one of my instructors from college mentioned once which was "one should always chalange authority but the main authority to challenge is ones selfs" now I mention that one allot but I really feel that it has a great relevance the more time I spend on this planet. all of the characters in the media all of the people I have come in to contact with worked with what ever. the thing that defines the majority of people would be there lack of internalizing, I know I may do this to much but I see the hurt that people all over the world place upon one another and really I think it's just because if they bother to look in side they can't seem to understand that what they do can hurt each another or maybe they just don't care. but I suppose it really just comes down to that justify what they do no mater how much it would hurt another, because with in peoples extreme egotism that can't see that they have no right to impose the type of pain that they do. I think people like Bush and Husein should try this whole reflection thing as well as many others should or maybe they've just been in a really bad mood for a long time.		  
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slowly fadeing away   
11:50pm 24/03/2003
  sometimes conclusions are hard to except, and sometimes even harder to act upon. I don't know where I'm going with this but the worlds falling apart, I'm falling apart. the events aren't knew the consistency of humanity is whats scary. I wonder at what point I gave up, I constantly berate people for doing the same but I never claimed to not be a hypocrite well my filth consumes me I spit my vile hatred at those that hate and just ask for one thing, and that would be a quick end.  
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dieing_light
 
 

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